Friday, February 29, 2008

reunions

I've been slightly on the periphery of plans for my 20th year high school reunion. On a given day, I gravitate from not wanting to go to sort of not really wanting to go. Seriously, the temptation to be there is great. I blew off the 10th.

We've all been exchanging emails and something I've noticed is how much we all tend to revert to who we were twenty years ago. I'm a little desperate to please and to impress. Most of the people on the email exchange didn't think much of me back then. I was an annoyance and a permanent outsider.

What is strange is I am not receiving parts of the emails sent back and forth. For ever couple of notes I get in the ongoing conversation, I'm excluded in a few, then later re-included later in another response.

It feels oddly familiar, like vintage alienation.

Something else. Already groundwork is being laid for all sorts of liaisons during the reunion. A few people, naturally, want to revisit the past, maybe try a combination on a heart that didn't work the first time around. It stings a little that no one even cared to ask if I was married, which I am. What bothers me, I guess, was I was never a consideration. I wasn't cool enough then and I'm not cool enough now.

I need to stay the fuck away from these people. I need to get out of the conversation. It's messing with my head. I don't want or need to be 17 again.

3 comments:

Happy hippo said...

AB-so-frickin-lutely!
No good can come of it! My thought is if they were your kind of people (and by that I mean people you could have conversations with and like it) you wouldn't need a reunion to "remember the good ol days". I also lived on the outskirts of the suburb of popularville, but with a perfectly lovable life now, I have no desire to visit those feelings again.

Hoytster said...

Bill, I always dig your use of words--"vintage alienation" is a great turn of the phrase.

I've never gone to a reunion because, like Happy Hippo indicates, if I had made any best buds from high school, I would have obviously kept in touch with them. I'm totally cool with my nerdness now, and I also have no need or desire to be 17 again.

The Film Geek said...

I traveled to my hometown to attend my ten year reunion, then decided at the last minute to skip it.

I thought for a long time it was for the reasons mentioned here, about that fact I would have kept in touch with people I really cared about. After thinking it over for a couple years after that (yeah, I'm that slow), I came to the conclusion I didn't go because I changed.

Not physically--although I clearly did--but emotionally, spiritually and intellectually.

I wasn't the same insecure, inexperienced kid. I was more confident, independent and more curious about life. The fact was, I didn't need those guys anymore. I could stand on my own.

I didn't even consider going to my 20th.

Good luck with your decision. You may have simply passed them by.