Wednesday, March 25, 2015

It came from under the sea, from the stars, from beneath the earth... etc.

I honestly thought I was done with this blog.

Don't Print This was too dark. There was too much history.

I like blogging. I've been doing it for 10 years and figured I'd just wipe the slate clean. I could blog about my fucking house or I could maybe blog about getting my shit together, but honestly, it was just me trying to beat around the bush, trying to avoid some truths.

The greatest of these truths is I seek approval. I want to be liked. I want to be loved. I want to be respected, thought highly of, adored, admired, esteemed, and, if its not too much trouble, lusted after.

This blog is not great for that.

Historically, it hasn't been. Historically, it's been a place that lands me into trouble.

So, it seemed like a good idea, a wise idea, to do something else. I could blog about the house or maybe losing weight or maybe reaching what is maybe the mid-point in my life --and there is nothing wrong with any of these things-- but all of them were poor attempts to change the subject of conversation.

So, what changed? Why am I back here, again trying to breathe life into this thing?

I went to a radio meeting this morning.

Meetings at public radio are miserable. They're kind of hapless downward conversations mixed in with some meaningless banter. No one gets much out of it, but we all get to say we went, which seems to satisfy whoever it is that decided we should have a regular pointless meetings everyone sort of resents.

We were all seated around the radio console. Someone was speaking, but I can't remember who or what they were saying or why. What I remember was looking over at my computer screen and seeing the rant of a young lesbian on Facebook.

It had something to do with jettisoning the things that make you unhappy, that don't work in your life. She, I think, was talking about a relationship.

For me, I just looked around the room and wondered, What the fuck am I doing? Why am I in here? Does any of this make me happy? What's the point?

The short answer is no. The longer answer is maybe why I'm here blogging again.

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